Microdosing #3

I am a Mom.  Times 3.

Parenting, by far, is the role that offers me the greatest opportunities to work on myself.

It is Big Work.

Sometimes I loose my shit.

More often, however, I stretch to a previously unknown place of calm and compassion, patience and observation.

Shame, Guilt and Pain all give way to Love, Connection and Inspiration.

Around and around again up the spiral I evolve in my awareness.

Parenting is the fast track to, well, whatever you choose.

For me, deeper Self Awareness is the result of any choice I make.  

This is my purpose - and choices in parenting are no exception.

Last week we went on a road trip to visit family in California.  

There is nothing like taking an already Big Job on the road to have an even Bigger Experience.

Our first leg of the journey was in Sacramento.  

As we were departing late one morning to take the kids to FairyTale Town (basically the funnest and biggest playground we’ve ever been to with lots of classic fairytale themed “play structures” amongst grass, trees and paved walkways) I thought about what it was that I wanted to explore during this adventure.

What came up for me was this:

The desire to connect with other parents around this idea of Big Work.

I microdosed right before we left.

This is what opened up for my consciousness:

I know what Big Work parenting is for me.  

I know what Big Work parenting is for my community of friends and the families where I live because we engage in an ongoing conversation about it.  

I know what Big Work parenting is in our society as there are thousands of books written on the topic.  

So even though I’ve never connected with THESE families personally through the Big Work of parenting, I feel that we share this immense, interpersonal journey through parenting. 

But no one seems to be acknowledging this.

Here, at Fairytale Town, we are all doing such Big Work, The Biggest, hardest work EVER.  

And we are all here today and there will never be another day like today that we are all here doing this Big Work TOGETHER, 

but we are not talking about it.  

I see you - you see me, 

but there seems to be no acknowledgment of the efforts / sacrifice / deep self work that we are doing.

This is kinda blowing my mind.

I want to connect.

I watch and celebrate as my children successfully go up the stairs and slide down the slide in “The Old Woman’s Shoe’.  

They navigate the social rules and push the edges of their comfort zone.  

I notice the other children doing this and I celebrate their success too.   

I notice the parents juggling the responsibilities of parenting, like me.

“You are doing such Big Work,” I say. 

“I see you and I am proud of you and happy that we are doing this together.”

I am connecting.

I am acknowledging.

I continue to sink into the consciousness of our shared experience as Parents and this Big Work.

I notice the quality of engagement that is present in each parent I encounter:

With their Children and with Me.

Some people make eye contact and smile.  

There is a warmth of body language, a comfort in the space that they hold.  

There is a flow and connection. We talk and acknowledge the Big Work.

Others hang their heads low, there is a wall around them.  

There is no eye contact, no smiles.  

No connection.

We do not share a dialogue. 

I lean in.

I let it just Be.

The Elephant isn’t getting smaller, but it is more comfortable now that I’ve approached it and placed a gentile hand on its leathery, cool skin.

The Elephant is me.

My thoughts.

My Beliefs.

My consciousness expands further.

Each of my observations of how others respond to their children 

and to me and my desire to connect mimic how we all respond at any given time: 

as parents and as individuals.

I know how Big parenting is and what can come up for me, individually, during the course of a day as I parent.  

I observe myself fall all over the spectrum day to day, hour to hour.

Connect / Disconnect.  Warm / Cold.  Open / Closed.

I am able to understand the gamut of energy that I see here in this microcosm at Fairytale Town.  Underneath the story that each of us is attempting to portray is the plain truth.  I see it.  

We are brought to our knees. 

It is Hard. 

Sometimes it is ugly.  

Can we just let it be ugly? 

We are brought to our knees.  

It is Joyous.  

Sometimes it is Beautiful.  

Can we just let it be beautiful? 

I am all of this.  

You are all of this.  

We are all of this shared crazy, wonderful, hard experience of Parenting.  

Through microdosing I observed my previously held beliefs:

“If I observe you in harmony than you are a good parent.  If I observe you in discord then you are a bad parent.”

Observations are factual.  

What you make your observations mean are your Thoughts. 

Thoughts are NOT factual. Beliefs are thoughts you have over and over. 

I was able to see what feelings these beliefs created

“I either feel connected to you or separate from you.”

Based on these feelings I have action or in-action

“If I feel connected to you, then I will continue to connect with you.  If I feel separate from you, then I will continue to be separate from you.”

These actions and in-actions create the result of connection or separation, which proves the original thought.

“I talk with you because I think you are a good parent and I feel connected to you.”

“I avoid talking with you because I think you are a bad parent and I feel separate from you.”

But my intention was to connect with parents.  

Period.

I expanded more. 

I saw how debilitating this outdated belief was and I wanted to change it. 

I desired to take this new self awareness and move it up.

Instead I saw you as me.  

I loved you and celebrated you as me.  

I saw you where you were and didn’t judge that place - just simply observed.  

I acknowledged the Big Work you are doing and even if you don’t engage with me it didn’t mean you are less worthy of praise and acknowledgment.   

I want to connect with you.

I see you, I love you and I celebrate you.

These beliefs felt better - they allowed for connection, compassion and expansion;

Feelings I want to have!  

This lead to the actions for speaking words that reflected my new observations and corresponding feelings, which resulted in the new thought: 

New thoughts:

“I see you as me”.

“We are One.”

New feelings:

Love, Compassion and Support

New Action:

Connection

New Result:

I feel connected to Parents

I left Fairytale Town feeling more connected.

I was able to track and do this Big Work on myself because of, not in spite of, my cannabis consumption.  

I Was able to track my thoughts / feelings and turn them into actions / results clearly and consciously.  

Before if I had chosen to consume Cannabis I would have most likely overshot it and become self conscious of my thoughts - not conscious of my Self. 

I would have stopped me from taking action and getting the results - which needs to be integrated in to the thought / feeling process to bring it full circle.

Through microdosing I have successfully cleared road blocks that have previously kept me from taking action in areas of my life that would potentially bring the result I want.

Self consciousness has given way to Consciousness of Self.

Fear, Doubt and Avoidance has dissolved. 

I am more Curious, Confident and Engaged.

If you are interested in seeing how microdosing can improve your relationship with your Self and inspire you to get the results you want, sign up to be a Focus Group participant!

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This could be the first step to amazing self discovery.

Lots of Love,

Sarah